NICOLAS KLIM’S UNDERGROUND JOURNEY
by Ludvig Holbergtranslation © Dennis List, 2004
CHAPTER 11: PART II
In which the Author visits Mezendoria, a land of many animals, and later survives a shipwreck
The Author’s Voyage to the Land of Wonders
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Eight days after leaving Iceland, we arrived at the Imperial City. Whatever poets have said about societies run by animals or trees, we found here to be true, as Mezendoria is a country owned jointly by rational animals and trees. All kinds or animal and trees are have equal rights to enjoy the privileges of this city, as long as they are obedient to the laws and to the established government. You might think that such a mixture, of so many different forms and natures of creature would create disorder and confusion. But due to prudent laws and constitution, this diversity produces beneficial effects. Through these laws, a different employment position is carefully aligned to each of these miscellaneous subjects, matching his or her genius, temper, and abilities.
Lions, because of their innate magnanimity, are army generals here. Elephants, because of their natural sagacity and the soundness of their judgements, are members of the Supreme Court. All the positions of courtiers are occupied by chameleons, who are so flexible that they can easily accommodate themselves to the circumstances of the times. The army is made up of warlike animals including bears and tigers.
The Navy is staffed by bulls and oxen: creatures that are simple and well-meaning, but also hardy and obstinate, and not weighed down by superior breeding. These qualities make them into excellent sailors. There is also a seminary of calves, who are trained in the art of navigation, for the service of the fleet. These are called "sea calves" and are promoted to become captains and admirals. Trees, being so upright, become judges.
Geese become lawyers in the Supreme Court, while magpies take cases in the lower courts. Foxes are ambassadors, envoys, consuls, and secretaries and agents in the diplomatic service. Crows are administrators and trustees for those who die intestate. Goats become philosophers and grammarians, with the help of both their horns (which they use to push their adversaries out of the way) and their venerable beards, which surpass those of all other animals. Horses are civil magistrates, while vipers, moles, and dormice work as farmers.
Birds are employed as couriers and postmen. Asses, because they have such loud voices, become deacons. Nightingales are the singers and choristers. Cocks are the watchmen in large towns, while dogs are porters at the gates. Wolves are the managers in the treasury and custom-house, and hawks and vultures are their deputies.
Because of these excellent appointments, public affairs are well conducted, and all transactions are done in the most orderly way. Therefore, this empire should be a model for all legislators to copy when establishing new forms of government. The fact that so many worthless wretches are appointed is not for lack of able persons, but solely due to improper choice. But if these matters were properly taken care of, and wise and able men were promoted not due to their general merits but to their fitness in their particular post, we should find public office far better managed than now, and governments would flourish.
The value of this system of employment is evident from the history of this empire. We find in the annals of Mezendoria that about 300 years ago this law was repealed by Emperor Lilak, and that public employment was conferred on all sorts of people, as long as they had merit of any kind, or had come to notice through some extraordinary actions. However, this promiscuous distribution of employment caused so many serious problems that the government seemed to be on the point of collapse. For example, a wolf with a good reputation for managing public revenue on that ground claimed a promotion, and thus became a senator. On the other hand, a tree, well known for the integrity of his decisions, was rewarded by a position in the treasury. By these crazy promotions, two able citizens became useless to the public.
A goat-philosopher, with the highest of academic reputations for his keenness and obstinacy in defending an argument, wanted to advance himself. He requested -and obtained - the next place to fall vacant at Court. A chameleon, famous for his good breeding and ability to change with the times, used these qualities to obtain a professorial chair at a university, which he sought for the sake of the salary. The effect of these changes was that the philosopher became an absurd courtier, while the courtier became an empty philosopher. This is because the perseverance that is creditable in a philosopher is an obstacle for a courtier, since fickleness and inconstancy are the main virtues at Court. He who would prosper there must take account not of what is true, but what is safe, and must change his opinions when the face of public affairs happens to change. What is a vice at court is a virtue at university, where being positive and adhering to a point is taken as a great virtue.
In short, by this previous change in the constitution, even the citizens who had been remarkable for their extraordinary abilities became useless to their country, and of course the Republic began to wobble. With this state of affairs, when everything was going to ruin, a senator named Bacccari laid this grievance before the Emperor, in very woeful terms. The ruler, realizing the truth that was being told to him, decided to put an immediate stop to this growing evil. It was done like this: those in employment were not immediately fired - which would have made the remedy worse than the disease - but whenever offices became vacant, those in a position for which they were unfit were removed to another better suited to their capacities.
The good effects of this change soon become visible, and a statue was erected for Baccari, for doing such a great service to his country. That statue, to this day, is still to be seen in the great square at Mezendoria. Ever since that time, the ancient laws have been carefully followed. Our interpreter said that he had been told this story by a friend of his, a learned goose, one of the most eminent lawyers in the whole city.
Many unusual and striking phenomena can be seen every day in this country, attracting the notice of strangers and travellers. Even the sight of so many kinds of animals (bears, wolves, geese, magpies, and others) walking up and down the different streets and quarters of the city, conversing among themselves, cannot fail to excite admiration and pleasure among those who are not accustomed to such sights.
The first person who came on board our ship was a thin wolf, or customs officer. With him were four assistants: kites, performing the work that in Europe we call "searchers". From our cargo, they seized whatever they liked, thus showing that they had learned their lesson perfectly, and were far from novices in their trade.
The captain, in his usual polite way, took me with him when he went ashore. On landing, we were met by a cock, who when had had asked the usual questions - what our business was, and where we came from - informed the chief customs officer of our arrival. We were met with a very civil reception, and invited to dine with him. His wife who was apparently a celebrated beauty among the wolves did not appear at the table. We heard afterwards that the reason for her absence was her husband's jealousy. He did not think it proper to expose a person of her beauty to the view of strangers, specially of sailors, who because of the long abstinence tend to be very loving when they come ashore, and tend to lose their judgement.
Various other females sat down to supper with us. One of our company, a white sow with black spots, was the wife of a naval commander. Next to her sat a black cat, the wife of one of the king's hunters, who had just come from the country. Next to me at the table was a multi-coloured sow, the wife of an inspector of public lavatories - such posts being filled by those of a piggish disposition. She was very sluttish, and sat down to table without washing her hands, which is a common thing among her tribe. But after that she was very helpful, aiding me several times with her own hands.
Everybody was surprised at her unusual politeness, because these creatures are not renowned for civility. For myself, I wished she had not been quite so well-bred, since being helped by such hands was not exactly agreeable to me. I must say, that though the inhabitants of Mezendoria have the bodies of animals, at least they have hands and fingers that grow from their forefeet - in which respect they differ from our own quadrupeds. They have no need for clothes, as their bodies are covered with hair or feathers.
The rich are distinguished from the poor only by ornaments golden collars, or pearls, or garlands wound spirally around their horns. The naval officer's wife was so laden with such ornaments that I could hardly see her horns. She excused her husband's absence by saying that he was detained at home by a lawsuit, a hearing of which was due on the following day.
After supper, the lavatory inspector's wife took our interpreter aside, and had a long conversation with him, saying that she had conceived a violent passion for me. Comforting her, he promised an equal passion on my part, and assailed me on this matter. But when his words made no impression on me, he advised me to make my escape as soon as possible, since he knew that the lady would stop at nothing in gratifying her wishes. From then onward, I stayed on board our ship, specially after hearing that a former admirer of Her Ladyship, a philosophy student, had become jealous of me and had formed a design on my life.
Even staying on board, I was hardly secure against the repeated attacks of my inamorata, who by sending messages, letters, and verses, tried to soften my obdurate heart. Had I not unfortunately lost those letters when I later suffered a shipwreck, I could have presented the reader with a specimen of piggish poetry. But the verses have slipped from my memory, and all I can now remember of them are the following lines, in which she # her attractions:
It's true that I have bristles on my backWe finished our trading so quickly that within a few days we were ready to set sail. Our voyage, however, was delayed by a quarrel between our sailors and some of the local inhabitants. The cause of the quarrel was that when one of our men was walking through the city, a witty cuckoo had called him a Peripom - what we would call a stage actor. Because monkeys in this country are rope-dances and comedians, this cuckoo took our Martinian for an actor. The sailor, resenting this insult, fell upon the cuckoo with a cudgel, almost maiming him with the blows. The cuckoo called out for help, asking bystandes to bear witness of this assault, and summoned them the next day to give evidence in court. After the witnesses had been questioned, the matter was laid before the senate. As the sailor was ignorant of both the laws and the language of the Mezendorians, he had to appoint a lawyer (a jackdaw) as counsel for him. The case was brought before the senate, and after a hearing that lasted about an hour, the following sentence was given: that the cuckoo, being the aggressor, should undergo the prescribed punishment, and pay the costs of the lawsuit. However, the lawyer's fees had already taken all his cash.
But do not hate me, please, for this.
What is a horse, without his flowing mane,
and birds, without their feathers?
What is a tree, without its leafy honours,
and what a mortal man, without his beard?
And what - ye Gods! - a sow without her bristles?The judges who sat in this case were horses: two were consuls, and the other four were senators. An equal number of colts was present; these had a right to offer their opinions, but not to vote. They were admitted into the court as pupils and candidates to fill vacancies on the Bench.
Having finished our affairs to our satisfaction, and having finished loading our valuable cargo on board, we set off for home. Soon after we were out at sea, a sudden calm put a stop to our voyage. We diverted ourselves in various ways: some by spearing fish as they leapt above the sea, others by angling. After a while, a gale came up, and we continued our voyage.
After a long trip in that steady gale, we saw a group of Sirens, who disturbed us by their hideous and dismal yelling. This struck great terror into the sailors, who knew from bitter experience that such music preceded storms and shipwrecks. So we immediately took in our sails, and every man was ordered to his post.
We had hardly finished this work before the heavens became covered in black clouds. The waves began to swell, and such a tempest followed that the Captain, who had sailed the subterranean seas for also forty years, declared that he had never seen such a terrible storm. Everything left on deck was washed overboard, partly due to the waves that kept breaking over the ship, and partly due to the violent rain that fell at the same time, along with fearful lightning and loud thunderclaps. It seemed that all the elements were conspiring for our destruction.
After a while, our main-mast was snapped off, and carried away by the seas. The other masts soon followed it. We had nothing now but death before our eyes. One sailor called out to his wife and children, another to his friends and relatives, and the whole ship resounded with their mournful cries. The pilot, though without hope himself, was still obliged to sooth the rest, advising them not to give way to useless sorrow. While he was in the middle of this speech, a sudden gust of wind tossed him overboard, and he was quickly swallowed up by the waves. Three others then had the same fte: the pursers, and two sailors.
I was the only one to bear the calamity quietly. Life had become a burden to me, and I was in no mind to return to Martinia, where I had forfeited my liberty and my good name. My only compassion was for the captain, who had treated me so kindly throughout the voyage. With all the eloquence I could muster, I tried to raise his drooping spirits - but in vain: he persisted in his sighing and his girlish complaints, till a wave came rolling over us and carried him away with it into the ocean.
The storm grew even stronger, attacking the ship even more. Only the hull remained: not a mast, not a rudder, not even a rope or oar. Our vessel floated at random on the waves. For almost three whole days, we were tossed about in this condition, half dead with fear and hunger. Occasionally, blue sky appeared, but the storm continued with all its violence. Finally, we spotted land. Though it was nothing but craggy rocks and precipices, the sight was a great comfort to those of us who were still alive. As the wind was blowing towards the shore, we were hopeful that we should soon be driven there. But because the coast was so rocky, we could not reach land without being shipwrecked.
However, it seemed possible that a few of us, with the help of some fragments of the ship, might be able to escape. But while we were comforting ourselves wit this hopes, the ship struck a rock (which, as it was under water, we had not seen it) with such violence that the vessel was instantly splintered into a hundred pieces. In the middle of this confusion, I seized a plank, worrying only about my own safety, and not minding about my companions - whose fate I still do not know. It is most likely that all of them were lost, because I did not hear of any of them arriving in that country. The tide and the waves carried me with great speed to the shore. This saved my life, because had I continued any longer in the state I was in, I should have perished through hunger and fatigue.
After I passed the point of a promontory, the waves abated, and I heard their roar only at a distance. Even that sound steadily grew weaker, till it vanished entirely.
In this mountainous region, the folds of the mountains, their overhanging tops, and the depth of the valleys below all cause great echoes. As soon as I found myself near the shore, I shouted as loudly as I could, hoping that some coastal people might hear me, and come to my aid.
My first shout was not returned, but after I repeated it, I heard a noise from the shore, and soon saw people running out of the woods. They came to meet me with a boat made of willow branches and oak twigs, thus proving that they were not a very advanced or civilized people. But the sight of the rowers delighted me more than I can say: their figures were those of men. They were the only creatures of my own species that I had seen during this whole subterranean tour.
They resemble the inhabitants of the tropics: they have black beards, and short curly hair. (Long, flaxen hair they believe to signify a monster.) Finally they drew near to the broken plank on which I sat, and took my feeble body into their boat. They then rowed to the shore, and refreshed me with meat and drink - though coarsely prepared. I soon recovered my strength and my spirits, even through I had been three whole days and nights in a state of thirst and hunger.