NICOLAS KLIM’S UNDERGROUND JOURNEY
by Ludvig Holbergtranslation © Dennis List, 2003
CHAPTER 10: PART II
In which the Author is given to the monkeys' leader, becomes his servant, and introduces the wig to Martinia
The author's banishment to the skies
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At last my friend came back, and told me that His Excellency would allow me the honour of remaining in his court. From the way the Syndic spoke, I gathered that my employment would not be very important. His valet, perhaps - or his butler. When I asked what this employment would be, my friend told me "His Excellency has been pleased to appoint you one of his Carriers, with an annual salary of 25 Stercolates." (A Martinian Stercolate is worth about two thalers in our money.) "He has also promised," my friend continued, "that yours will be the honour of carrying only himself or his wife."
I was astounded by this reply. I pathetically complained how unworthy such a job was for one of my university education and family status. At this point, a lot of courtiers rushed in, half killing me with their rudeness, and I couldn't say anything more about this matter. All the Martininans are light, frothy, smooth-talking creatures, fluent in phrases of no importance or weight. Finally I was taken to an apartment where supper was ready.
After a moderate meal, I retired to my bedroom. I threw myself on my bed, but my mind was so upset that I couldn't sleep. The disdain with which they'd received me shocked me to my core. Anything less than the patience of a Spartan would be unable to digest such a gross indignity. I lamented my fate, which seemed worse than anything I'd experienced on the planet Nazar. I couldn't help saying to myself "What would become of the Kadoki, or the High Chancellor of Potu, such important people in their own country, who needed at least a month to write a new law? And what would happen to Palmka here, where the senators make laws between the courses of meals?"
I realized I'd come from a country of sages to a country of fools. At last, tired with thought, I was overtaken by sleep. I con' know how long I slept for, because in this country there's no difference between night and day. The only time it is dark is when the sun is eclipsed by the planet Nazar. This is a remarkable eclipse, because the planet is never far from the firmament, and eclipses the sun totally. But as this happens rarely, there are no seasons, because the sun is always equally present. Thus to relieve the heat the inhabitants must rely on devices such as groves of trees, baths, walks, and grottoes.
I'd hardly awoken when a monkey came into my room. He told me he was my companion in office. Following his orders, he stuck an artificial tail onto my behind, to make me look more like a monkey. Then he told me to get ready, because within an hour the Syndic needed to be carried to the university, which he and the other senators had been invited to attend. At ten o'clock that morning, there was going to be a promotion to a doctoral degree.
Here, even though the days are the same as the nights because the sun is always present, they are still divided into hours, half hours, and quarter hours. Day and night combined total about 22 hours. If all the clocks in the city were to stop together, it would be impossible for the citizens to know the true time, unless they consulted clocks in the next city. Sundials do not work here, because there is never any shadow: the sun always shines vertically. If you were to dig a well here, the sun would shine into the bottom of it. As to the length of the year, that is regulated by the course of the planet Nazar around the sun.
At ten o'clock we picked up His Excellency and carried him to the university. Entering the building, we saw the doctors and masters seated in order. As the Syndic passed by, they all stood, turned around, and saluted him with their tails. This is their way of paying respect, and it explains the care they take adorning their tails. As for me, I find these reverse greetings nothing but absurd. Among us, to turn your back on anybody is a mark of indifference or contempt - but every country has its own customs. The Doctors and Masters were seated on either side of the auditorium, at the foot of which was a chair, where the candidate sat.
Before the awarding of the degree, they solemnly discussed this question: whether the sound made by flies and other insects comes through the mouth or the posterior. The President supported the former opinion, which was so ardently attacked by the opponents that I thought they would all come to blows. Fortunately, at this point some senators stood up, and cooled the flames with their authority. During the dispute, one monkey played a flute. This was the Moderator, who by varying the pace and volume of the music, would speed up discussion when it languished, or bring it down when it was noisy and violent. Often, though, this art had no effect. After all, it's very difficult to keep an even temper when arguing about such interesting topics. But of course it's the same in our world. When a dispute turns on some dubious and almost inexplicable point, you see the disputants work themselves up to a high level of agitation.
Finally, this threatening quarrel, which seemed to promise nothing but blood and slaughter, ended up with mutual compliments, and praise all around. This is not unlike our European universities, where at the end of a debate the President descends triumphant from the chair.
Having finished this preamble, they went on to the award. The candidate sat in the middle of the auditorium. Three of the university beadles walked solemnly up to him, and threw a bucketful of cold water on his head. They then perfumed him with frankincense, and made him swallow an emetic. With the utmost solemnity, they stepped back, bowing, and pronounced him now a Doctor.
I was amazed to see these wonderful ceremonies, and asked a learned monkey standing near me the meaning of all this. Pitying my ignorance, he informed me that the use of water, incense, and vomit symbolized that the candidate should forsake his old vices and adopt a new set of manners that would set him apart from the vulgar mob. At this reply, I realized how stupid I'd been to ask. I decided not to ask any more questions, in case people would think I had only ever spoken with animals.
Finally all the musical instruments were sounded together. The new Doctor, clothed in a green robe with a green sash, was escorted home from the auditorium with all Parnassus at his heels. Since he came from a humble family, he didn't have the honour of a coach, but sat in a vehicle resembling a wheelbarrow, drawn along by hand by the university beadles in their special costumes. The event finished with a lavish party, where the guests drank so much liquor that they became intoxicated, and had to be carried home. They were so ill for days afterwards that they would hardly have recovered, with the help of special medicine.
From the beginning to the end of this whole ceremony, as you will so, no solemnity was lacking. Even in our world, I never saw an academic promotion or a candidate become a doctor with a more worthy ceremony than this.
In the courts of justice, cases are completed with great dexterity. I was charmed with the quickness of the intellect in this nation. Often, even before the lawyers have finished their pleadings, the judges rise and given sentence with great speed and elegance. I often attended these courts, making a thorough study of the way they worked. At first hearing, their decrees seemed equitable enough, but on a more careful examination they were absurd, unjust, and full of contradictions. I decided I'd rather have my case decided by throwing dice than by the judgement of Martinian lawyers.
I shan't say anything about the laws of these people, because they are perpetually changing. Many people here are punished for actions that weren't crimes when they were committed, but later became so, after another law was passed. For that reason, there are constant appeals to higher courts, because the plaintiffs hope that while the case is proceeding, the law may be repealed - so suddenly are laws promulgated.
These people are such lovers of novelty that the most useful laws bore them, simply because they are old. Their lawyers have a great reputation for shrewdness in disputes. There are even some among them who can't be bothered taking up a case that is not unjust, or at least very doubtful, because in doing so they might miss a chance of exhibiting their ability to convert black into white. The judges will often favour a bad case, complementing the counsel for defending it so well. They say "We clearly see the injustice of this case, but it has been presented so artfully that to give credit to the counsel for his performance we should bend a point of law."
The students in this profession are taught law at different prices. Those who teach their pupils to manage a bad case (or in the words of the proverb to "make the best of a bad market") ask 20 Stercolates for their trouble. The art of managing a good case costs only 10 Stercolates. They have so many different laws that the situation is like a lake of chaos, with no bottom and no shore. The Martinians, having a very quick perception, detest everything that's plain and simple, and can't be bothered with anything that's not intricate.
The same applies with their religion, which instead of practice consists of idle speculation. Thus there are 230 different opinions about the form of the Supreme Being, and 396 about the nature and quality of the soul. The Martinians never go to church with the idea of hearing anything useful, or of improving themselves in the art of living and dying well. They go only to see the art and dexterity that the priests display. The more obscure their language is, the more they are admired, because their audience aren't interested in anything they understand. The preachers take more trouble about the expression than the content. They prefer smooth sentences to the strength of reason, and the audience expects to be amused by impressive but meaningless words. Therefore, I didn't dare to say anything about the Christian religion; its simple truths would never interest the Martinians.
Entrepreneurs have a higher reputation here than anywhere else. The more impractical a scheme, the greater the inventor's glory. After I explained the nature of our globe to a monkey here, and told him that the outer surface was inhabited, he had the idea of digging through the earth and making a tunnel to the Superterranean lands. This idea received great acclaim, and a society was set up called the Superterranean Company. This interested a huge number of Martinians, and many bought shares in it. However, when this scheme threw the kingdom into confusion, and financially ruined some families, they decided it was nothing but folly, and suddenly dropped it. But, though so many people lost money, the inventor not only escaped with impunity, but was highly praised for his great abilities.
Understanding this frame of mind, I tried to use the same method to build my reputation among the Martinians, to repair my fortunes by a new project of my own. After studying the state of the nation, I discovered some flaws in it. I noticed that the country was full of artists, but lacked traders and workmen. I therefore proposed a law for setting up certain manufacturers that might be of great service to the country. But all my proposals of this kind let to nothing but sneers and contempt. I realized how stupid I'd been, and asked myself how richly I deserved to end my days as a mere porter.
Yet I didn't despair. I decided I'd never do them - or myself - any good by providing wise advice. Instead I thought I'd come up with some ridiculous invention. I discussed this idea with one of the wisest monkeys I knew, who strongly encouraged me to go ahead with this plan. He told me that many people there had made their fortunes through trivia, specially by inventing some new fashion in women's clothing, I resolved to join this frenzy, and while among fools, to play the fool myself.
So I called to mind all the frivolous inventions of Europe, and with the freedom to pick and choose, I decided to introduce the wig as a fashion. What supported me in this idea was the large number of goats in this region: their wool would be very useful for my purpose. As my late tutor on earth was once a wigmaker, I knew something of this art. So I bought some goat-hair, made a wig that fitted my own head, and thus adorned, appeared before the Syndic. Startled at my new and unusual appearance, he asked what it was, snatched it from my head, put it on his own, and ran to the mirror to see how it looked.
How can I express his wonder and joy? He burst into an ecstasy of pleasure, crying out "I'm like a god!" and sent for his wife to join him in his delight. She was just as pleased as he. Embracing him, she said she'd never seen anything so charming. Everybody else in the family shared the same opinion.
The Syndic turned to me. "My dear Kakidoran," he said, "if this invention of yours pleases the Senate as much as it pleases me, your future is limitless." I thanked His Excellency, and soon afterward gave him a petition addressed to the Senate, which I asked him to forward...
MOST EXCELLENT, MOST GENEROUS, MOST ILLUSTRIOUS, MOST NOBLE, AND MOST WISE SENATORS:
The natural propensity that moves me to benefit the public has inspired me to invent this new and original ornament for the head, which I humbly offer to Your Excellencies, and submit it to the examination of this most august tribunal. I do not doubt that it will meet with a most gracious reception, particularly as this invention will contribute not only to the ornamentation but also to the glory of this nation. This will cause the admiring world to agree that the Martinians are foremost among the peoples of the world, not only in the virtues and qualities of their minds, but in those bodily ornaments that make the person grand and majestic. I solemnly vow to all Your Excellencies that I have no mind for my own reward. It is enough for me in my humble capacity to have promoted public welfare and the honour of the kingdom. But if the most illustrious Senate is minded to present me with a suitable award for my labours, I shall receive it with a heart grateful that their generosity may be known throughout the world, and that others may be encouraged to greater inventions. Thus I cannot oppose the generosity of the Senate and people of Martinia. As to the rest, I commend myself to the favour of Your Excellencies.I am, may it please Your Excellencies,
your most obedient and most humble servant,
KakidoranMartinia, the 7th day of Astral
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