---

In the top dome of the Dromehenge on the seafront at Glenelg, the monthly meeting of the CAC (Council for Animal Civilization) was about to begin. Plamamalp, the chairdrome, counted the dromes seated around the snail-shaped picture table: Fanshnaf, the guest of honour, and council members:

1. Uwatawu
2. Xox
3. Phlelph
4. Morgrom
5. Kafoopafak
6. Igloolgi
7. Rimpmir
8.

One of them is late, thought Plamamalp crossly. Unthinkable! Dromes are never late!

The meeting was due to begin at 510 o'clock, and the picture table showed that the time was already 512. (Dromes divide the day into 1284 horohs - each a little longer than a human minute.)

Here's the culprit now, telepathed Phlelph. The latecomer, clearly feeling agitated, had just landed the zepper on the ringway, and was riding the wave-ramp to the cloud room where the meeting was held.

Hurry up! they were all teleing the latecomer. Our guest is waiting.

At last Tamomat bustled in, exclaiming "Sorry I'm late I'm sorry! My second human pet has disappeared, and I've been searching for him."

A worried thought flickered in Morgrom's outer brain - but it disappeared so fast that nobody had time to tune into it.

"Hmph!" said the chairdrome. "Let me begin by introducing our visitor from our homestar, Andromeda. Let us welcome Fanshnaf welcome us let."

Tastefully, they bowed their feelers. Fanshnaf bowed the lowest of all, then quickly curled and uncurled the end of it. This difficult gesture impressed the council members.

That must be new on Andromeda, Tamomat thought, trying not to worry about Keddy.

Not at all at not, Fanshnaf thought back. My grandfamothers did that. Fhe was concentrating hard on not thinking what a backward lot these colonials are. Fhe overdid it.

"Our topic today," the chairdrome said, "is stray humans. Whose numbers have vastly increased, particularly here in the city. Where the mean density is now estimated at 3.625 per cubitibuc. However there are many factors that we should consider. In evaluating..."

I detect what you're trying not to think, Tamomat thought to Fanshnaf. But just because we're out of touch with the latest fashions back on the homestar, it doesn't necessarily mean we're backward. We deliberately choose a simple life.

That's right, Kafoopafak added silently. This way, we control technology, instead of it controlling us.

Not wanting to get into a telepathic argument, Fanshnaf joined the spoken discussion. "I've been surprised," fhe stated, "at the number of humans I've seen during my brief visit to your Dromeland. Back on Andromeda, there are very few humans. Some were sent home when we first took over this planet, but our low- oxygen atmosphere didn't suit them, and most died. We do have the odd few in zoos, of course, in highly oxygenated enclosures..."

Tamomat was desperately trying not to think Silly old sausage - but failed. Sneakily fhe turned the image of a sausage into a red tube of pet food which fhe was intending to buy.

Very cunning very, Fanshnaf thought back to hirm.

"Before we dromes took over the earth," Plamamalp explained, "in the year 2026, humans had reached a fairly advanced level of civilization - in terms of gadgetry" Plamamalp continued. "But in terms of harmonious living, they were worse than insects. They were destroying themselves. Full of hate and envy. Killing each other in their wars. Cutting down forests, creating radioactive deserts. Polluting the planet with excessive technology." Fhe shook the feeler sadly from side to side.

"And, worst of all," exclaimed Xox, "using up all the reserves of oil, without even realizing how delicious it is!"

"And then - " Igloolgi added, "the earth passed through the Great Neutronic Shower."

"What was that was what?" Fanshnaf asked.

"About once every 53,035 years the earth's orbit intersects Bezuluzeb's Neutronic Comet. It emits massive neutron radiation, which instantly cooks the brains of all creatures on this planet."

"Would that include us?" Rimpmir asked anxiously.

"Of course not, with our Andromedan heritage. During the comet's last visit, we had hundreds of scientists studying this planet, and none of them was affected. However, nearly all animal life was killed - except the cat family. Here in Adalada where a million humans lived at the time - yes, a million! - "

(All the dromes twiddled their feelers diagonally, in a gesture of amazed and horrified disgust.)

"- perhaps a few hundred survived. And then - can you believe it? - the most amazing thing of all - those few survivors began attacking each other!"

"At that point," said Tamomat, "our ancestors decided to take over. For two hundred years, our humanologists had been making a detailed study of the human race, so we already knew that they were doomed for disaster, one way or another - from overpopulation, wars, or environmental destruction. One thing our ancestors didn't foresee was that some of them bore harmless viruses. Sititis, the splaunge, the colyloc woblbows, the common hot, the sneezles."

"Even more humans died," said Igloolgi.

"But the planet was saved," Rimpmir added.

"The humans apparently had some inkling of our presence - they referred to flying gravyboats - "

"Saucers" somebody corrected.

" - and UFOs, which stood for - " fhe paused, having forgotten.

"Utterly fictitious objects," rumbled Kafoopafak.

"Umbrellas flattened out."

"Under-fried French onions."

"Unemployed factory owners."

"Underground floating oceans."

"Universe for ourselves."

"Ugly farting odours."

"Umpteen-feathered ostriches."

"Uncle Freddy's overcoat."

"Until five o'clock,"

"Silencecnelis!" snapped Plamamalp, waving all three hands furiously in the air. "We're getting silly again silly getting are we!" (Plamamalp was chairdrome because fhe was the oldest - over 1000 years old. Fhe disapproved of these empty-headed youngsters: most of them hadn't had their 500th birthday yet.)

"We're briefing our interstellar visitor," Igloolgi calmly explained, ignoring the crabby thoughts that Plamamalp was sending out.

They talked on and on, boring each other silly. (Or they would have done, if they hadn't been listening in to each other's irrelevant thoughts.)

"Before we break for lunch," said Plamamalp, a little irritated, "let's deal with our topic. The question is: do we need to take any action about the stray humans who are becoming more and more common in our towns?"

"We created a perfectly good Humanlife Reserve for them, east of Zoolooz."

"But they seem to avoid it, even though we established a food chain for them, breeding all those juicy kangaroos."

Fanshnaf, a staunch vegetarian, wrinkled the feeler disapprovingly. The dromes were vegetarians too, of course, but they knew what animals humans were.

"They prefer to hang around us," said Uwatawu crossly. "That's why there are none in the Humanlife Sanctuary. The forest is almost deserted. Instead, they steal scraps from our compost bins in the night. They harass our pets."

"They create untidiness!" Rimpmir added

"But these are minor problems," said Morgrom gently. "After all, humans are indigenous to this area. We should learn to live with them."

"I disagree!" raved Uwatawu. "There are far too many of the trouble-making scum. They should be trapped, and taken so far away that they can never return."

Tamomat sensed that Morgrom was trying to hide something in the back of the mind - something about Tamomat and humans. Why is fhe thinking about me? Tamomat wondered.

I'm not! Morgrom thought back, firmly.

I'm sure fhe was, Tamomat thought (ultra-softly). Strange!

Kafoopafak waved the feeler, showing that fhe wanted to speak. "When I was on holiday in Afcicfa last year with some friends," fhe began, "we took a tour over the Great Rift Valley. We flew low, in a glass-floored zepper, so we could observe the wild humans closely. There were thousands of them down there, on the plains and by the rivers. They looked so beautiful with their black shiny skins. So clean and healthy looking..."

"Like our pets..."

"...And so cute, throwing their little spears up at our zepper. Some of the spears even hit the glass. Of course there was no danger, with their primitive technology."

"What is your point your is what?" Plamamalp asked.

"Simply this simply!" said Kafoopafak. "That humans can survive well without us. It would solve our problem to ship our strays away to some spot - "

"Yes!" shouted Uwatawu (who'd been kept awake all the previous night by strays fighting over the contents of the compost boxob). "Send them away them send! To a place where they'll kill each other without bothering us. The central desert, where they can starve! The jungles of Papupap, where they can be eaten by mosqiqsoms, crocorocs, and each other!"

Tamomat shook the feeler. "No! That would be unnecessary - and undromelike."

"Undoubtedly undromelike!" others murmured.

"Universally undromedan!"

"Unmistakably undromish!"

"Uncomfortably undromelike!"

"Undreamably undromeworthy!"

"Unscottingly undromable!"

"Stop!" Plamamalp shouted, rapping the table. "Stop this silliness this second!"

"Utterly undromious!" Igloolgi whispered to Fanshnaf.

"Undroppably undromesome."

"Underbelly undrominous."

"Sorry, I can't accept that one," Plamamalp ruled. "Derbels have never existed round here."

Tamomat (who was skilled in keeping thoughts behind the mind where nobody could read them because they didn't yet have words) brought out an amazing counter-proposal. Fhe let it fizz in the front of the mind for a minute or so, while Rimpmir was talking, to let doubters like Phlelph get a sense of the thoughts. Finally fhe spoke: "My idea is that instead of sending the strays away, we should try and make them useful members of dromiety. Our numbers are falling, theirs are increasing. Look ahead a short time: five centuries or so. If this trend continues, they'll vastly outnumber us, and we'll need their help. In short, we need to educate them."

Some of the council members burst out laughing, at such a ludicrous suggestion. Others, even Xox, bent their feelers thoughtfully.

"Please continue," said Xox. "What exactly do you have in mind, Tamomat?"

"There is increasing evidence that the sounds they make actually form a language. Just as our scientists long ago discovered the language of dolphins, I think we are on the verge of discovering the language of humans. I shall now perform an experiment - watch this."

Tamomat walked to the cloud-shaped window. Far below, sitting under a huge monkey-puzzle tree, on the grass between the Dromehenge and the beach, was the usual group of idle humans.

When they heard Tamomat tapping on the open window, a few of them looked up.

"Why do they always have that guilty look?" said Xox, at Tamomat's side.

As the dromes watched, the strays jumped up and ran away, leaving behind a few small white objects which looked like shells.

"Did you hear the noises they made to each other when they heard me tapping?" Tamomat asked. "They realized that we were displeased with them, and, though only a few looked up, they all ran away."

"Perhaps they can read our minds," Rimpmir suggested.

"No," said Kafoopafak. "Our humanologists have proved that's not possible. For a start, they lack feelers."

"My point is," Tamomat continued, "if they can understand each other, they can therefore be trained. We can set up schools for them - "

"Schools!" snorted Uwatawu, rolling on the floor with laughter.

" - and teach them to be civilized and useful."

"Birds would squawk and fly away too," said Kafoopafak. "So should we set up schools for them?"

"I don't think humans are teachable," said Xox. "Shifty cunning, yes, but no actual intellect."

"Let's get on with our agenda!" said Plamamalp. "Next, we have a letter from the Project for Improvement of Human Intelligence and Physique. Has anydrome heard of this?"

They all shook their feelers from left to right, meaning No.

"One Glozbzolg is offering to recycle surplus humans, for scientific purposes."

"Glozbzolg?" said Xox, sounding worried. "He's not exactly the most, ah ... "

"Ethical?" another suggested.

A few feelers curled downwards, expressing disquiet.

I've heard alarming rumours, Plamamalp thought loudly.

"I do hope he's not planning, to, ah..."

"Exploit?"

"...them."

"But he's a drome. I ask you, would any drome..."

"COULD any drome?"

"...exploit a lesser species?"

All the councillors shook their heads sadly. "Inconceivable!" they muttered. "Undromable! Inconceivably undromable! Ungraciously un" -

"Please stop this stop please!" the chairdrome begged. "We all agree, do we not?"

They waved their feelers backwards and forwards three times, meaning

Yes
We Agree
We Certainly Do

"Decided!" said Plamamalp. "We tell Glozbzolg and PIHIP that all wild humans under the protection of the CAC must be left alone, to preserve our delicate ecological balance."

"I'm most impressed with your speedy decisions here on Earth," Fanshnaf admitted.

"Nevertheless!" said Rimpmir. "Wild humans belong in wild places, not in cities."

"Perhaps we could put up notices," suggested Phlelph. "To warn the humans that they should stay in the Humanlife Sanctuary which we have so generously provided for them."

"But first we must set up schools, and teach them to read," the witty Uwatawu added. The others roared with laughter.

"Enough!" said the chairdrome. "This meeting's dragging on too long. Let's break for lunch now and resume at 650 o'clock. We're going to have a real treat, because Fanshnaf has brought us yumugumuys - all the way from Andromeda."

"Ohhhh!" they groaned ecstatically, clutching their bellies in anticipation. "Ohhhhhhhh! Yummmugummmuys!" The younger ones had never seen the fabled yumugumuys, which grow only in mines deep in the Andromedan rock. All attempts to grow this delicacy on Earth had failed.

"What do yumugumuys look like?" Phlelph (a 300 year old youngster) asked Tamomat as they strolled across to the dining room.

"Like pale conch shells, I think," Tamomat said. "I hardly remember, it's so long since I've seen them."

"Are they truly, unspeakably delicious?" Phlelph asked.

"Ahhhh!" sighed Tamomat, unspeakably, but drooling in pleasure, with two and a half tongues.

As they entered the dining room, they saw Fanshnaf and Plamamalp ashen-faced, all their mouths wide open in horror.

"What is it?" Tamomat asked. "Aren't you well?"

"The yumugumuys. Gone! Disappeared! I laid them all out on the plates just before the meeting," Fanshnaf groaned.

"And I shut the door," said the horrified Plamamalp.

"And I saw you do it," said Fanshnaf.

"But you didn't shut the window!" said Igloolgi, striding over to the wide-open window.

"Whoever would shut a window? It was only open a tiny amount, for air," said Plamamalp. "And so high above the ground! Do you think birds..."

"Look at these muddy footprints on the floor!" said Xox.

"Humans!" said Uwatawu. "The brutes can climb anything!"

"Remember when I looked out of the window?" Tamomat said, "to demonstrate how humans could speak."

"And they ran away, leaving little white shells?"

"Look!" said Fanshnaf, pointing to the base of the great Norfolk pine. "Some of the yumugumuys are still there!"

They all tore out the door, down three wave-ramps, and across to the foot of the tree. Scattered around it were the remains of half-eaten yumugumuys, crusted with sand and smeared with mud and spittle.

"Rotten thieves!" roared Tamomat. "And look! They didn't even appreciate these delicious foodpieces. One bite, and they tossed them onto the ground. Cretins!"

"Fools! Numskulls! Idiots! Numskulls! Fools!"

After a nutritious but unsatisfying lunch of grass sandwiches, the angry dromes resumed their meeting, at only 642 o'clock. Each of them knew what the others were thinking.

"Continuing the discussion, I hereby move," said Uwatawu, "that we authorize Glozbzolg to capture all stray humans fhe can find, and dispose of them in the worst way fhe can dream up!"

"To the most unpleasant spot in the world," added Phlelph savagely. "Papupap, for example. Where they will be eaten alive by mosqiqsoms!"

"Take it easy it take!" said Fanshnaf, who wasn't too concerned at the loss of the yumugumuys. (Fhe ate them quite often, when at home.) "Let's not get too vindictive."

"You are right are you," said Tamomat, feeling pangs of hunger in the smallest stomach, which fhe reserved for sweets. "It would be too easy for Glozbzolg to round up genuine pets. They should be impounded in comfortable surroundings, and Glozbzolg should put out a public notice describing any pedigree fhe catches."

"Too much trouble much too!" said Phlelph crossly. The others nodded their feelers.

"As for the unclaimed - may it be the mosqiqsoms!" said Xox savagely.

"Simply shut them up together, and they'll wipe each other out," said Uwatawu viciously.

"Dump them in the old high-walled oval, and throw in a few downputters and brainstoppers!" Kafoopafak raged.

Fanshnaf decided it was time to speak up again. "I must say, I'm dismayed at this conversation," fhe said, looking around at the other nine dromes. "Most of you are being very vindictive about these poor creatures. Such talk is undromelike, I say - unbelievably undromelike!"

Fhe looked around at each other drome - specially Uwatawu and Xox, and continued. "If life is so hard for them that they must raid your rubbish, why not put out food for them all?"

"I know a mad old drome who did that," said Rimpmir. "Fhe had to stop - there were always huge crowds of humans stomping in the garden, damaging the flowers."

After a while, Phlelph and Kafoopafak came up with a compromise. Glozbzolg would be authorized to round up humans only in the Glenelg area, where the nuisance was worst.

"Let's try this till our next meeting," Phlelph said. "We shall see if it helps our sleep."

"Where exactly where?" asked the chairdrome.

"From the south bank of the river Torrot to the Maronoram cliffs," said Kafoopafak. In other words, well away from my dome, fhe was thinking.

Four others (who all lived around Glenelg) agreed with that thought.

"Please vote please!" said Plamamalp.

Six of the council members waved "yes" with their feelers. The only two who voted "no" were Uwatawu (who'd never liked humans anyway) and Rimpmir (who lived at Henneh, on the north bank of the Torrot, and whose flower-garden had last night been trampled by drunken fighting humans).

"Glozbzolg to keep the pedigreed separate, but dispose of the strays in any humane way," said Plamamalp aloud, writing this on the picture table as fhe spoke.

"As long as they can never get back here!" said Igloolgi.

"Done!" said Plamamalp. "I now declare this meeting closed,"

"And don't forget the window," Uwatawu added.